Finagle's Laws

as formulated by Aron K Insinga

Law of experiment

· First law — if anything can go wrong with an experiment or test, it will.

· Second law — everything goes wrong at once.

· Third law — experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.

· Fourth law — build no mechanism simply if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.

· Fifth law — no matter how an experiment or test proceeds, someone will believe it happened according to his pet theory.

· Corollary one — no matter what the result is, someone will misinterpret it.

· Corollary two — no matter what results are anticipated, someone will be willing to fake them.

Law of mathematics

· First law — in any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors.

· Corollary one — no one whom you ask for help will see the errors.

· Corollary two — everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.

· Second law — if, in any problem, you find yourself doing a transfinite amount of work, the answer can be obtained by inspection.

· Corollary one — if inspection fails to yield results, judicious application of one of the methods outlined in the text following may be in order.

§ (See Finagle's Constant)

Law of systems

When a system becomes completely defined and all avenues of inquiry and expansion are explored, an uninformed, independent, amateur experimenter will discover something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Law of the inch

· In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday.

· Corollary one — under the same conditions. If any minor dimensions are given to ¹/₁₆ of an inch, -they cannot be totalled at all.

· Corollary two — the correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Laws of revision

· First law — information necessitating a change in design will be conveyed to the designer after, and only after, the plans are complete (often referred to as the now-they-tell-us law).

· Corollary one — in simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often easier to choose the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revisions.

· Second law — the more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more the plans will have to be redrawn.

· Third law — if, when completion of the design is imminent, field dimensions are supplied as they are, instead of as they were meant to be, it is always simpler to start over.

· Fourth law — it is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interference. If you have none, someone will supply some for you. (or first, second, and third above)

Law of understanding

· First law — if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

· Second law — if you don't understand the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

· Corollary one — if you have to ask the question. You won't understand the answer.

· Corollary two — if you understand the answer, you asked the wrong question.

· Third law — if you understand what you yourself are saying, invariably no one else will.

· Corollary one — if you understand what someone else is saying, you have probably grossly misinterpreted him.

· Fourth law — in any argument, the heat of the argument is inversely proportional to the amount of knowledge present.

Law of weather forecasting

· First law — whenever there is less than a 60 percent chance of rain, it will most definitely rain, and the rate of downpour will be inversely proportional to the square of the percent chance of rain.

· Second law — whenever there is greater than 44.8 percent chance of rain, it will rain and the rate of downpour will be directly proportional to the percent chance of rain.

· Corollary one — it will always rain in Delaware.

Law of bicycling

· First law — if you leave your bicycle outside over night, it will rain.

· Second law — if you ride your bicycle to class when the sun is shining and there are no clouds in the sky, when you ride your bicycle to your next class it will be pouring down.

· Corollary one — take a raincoat when you ride your bicycle. This will make you look like an idiot but it will also help to keep the rain away. In the event it does rain, you can wear your raincoat and laugh at everyone else who is getting wet. However, it is unwise to let them hear you because they will usually de-bike you.

· Third law — when you take your bicycle on a trip or away to school, the first week away from home you will experience an embarrassing problem called bike-have-um-flat

· Corollary one — if you didn't take a bicycle pump, and if you didn't take a tire repair kit, you will have a flat by the first day.

· Corollary two — if you didn't take one of the above items mentioned but took the other one, then you won't have a flat until the third day.

Editor's note — a reading of the Laws of Finagle as stated above will show that the compilation at this date is far from complete. Further research is needed, especially in the law of systems. Other work needs to be done to correlate Finagle's laws with the laws of the universal perversity of matter. Very little is actually known in this latter field, so in an attempt to at least begin systemization the known laws will be stated.

Laws of the universal perversity of matter

· First law — any mechanical or electrical device is most likely to fail the day after the manufacturer's guarantee has expired.

· Second law — any mechanical or electrical device is most likely to malfunction short of breakdown until the presence of any trained mechanic.

· Third law — matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

· Corollary one — if a mechanism is accidentally dropped, it will fall in such a way that maximum damage will occur.

· Corollary two — things fall at right angles.

Laws of computer programming

· First law — the computer is always right.

· Lemma one — programmers are occasionally right.

· Second law — the amount of time needed to debug a program is inversely proportional to the time allotted for debugging.

· Corollary one — programs never work right the first time unless there is virtually unlimited time left to complete the project.

· Third law — any programmer can find 90 percent of his bugs simply by explaining his program to any uninterested observer.

· Corollary one — the uninterested observer may be sleeping, dead, non-human, or in extreme cases, non-existent.

· Fourth law — the most difficult or nearly impossible programming problems appear obvious or extremely simple to anyone with little or no knowledge of programming.

· Corollary one — those problems most easily solved by a programmer, appear to be overwhelmingly complicated and marvellous to the layperson.

· Fifth law — computers are never more intelligent than their programmers.

· Corollary one — most computers are incredibly stupid.

· Lemma one — unfortunately abuse regarding the intelligence level of a computer is almost never associated with the party most deserving of the complaints, the computer programmer.

· Sixth law — the rarest bugs in any operating system or major programming effort will always show up during a demonstration of its use to prospective users or customers.

· Corollary one — these bugs usually cannot be reproduced and therefore cannot be located.

· Lemma one — customers will never purchase programs which appear to be riddled with bugs as verified by demonstrations.

· Paradox — most programs are unfit for sale.

To assist in the research suggested, the following rules have been formulated for the use of those new to this field.

Rules of experimental procedure

1. A record of data is useful. It indicates that you have been busy.
2. To study a subject, first understand it thoroughly.
3. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
4. Draw your curves, then plot your data.
5. Do not believe in luck, rely on it.
6. Always leave room when writing a report to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. (the rule of the way-out)

One of the more recent developments in the field of interpretation of

Experimental data, which expands the usefulness of the well known

Finagle constant and the subtle bougerre factor is the Diddle Coefficient. (These items are largely grouped, in mathematics, under

Constant variables or, as some workers prefer, variable constants)

The derivation of these useful concepts is as follows:

1. Finagle's Constant is used as a multiplier of the zero order term.
2. The main body of these laws was formulated during the time Finagle was trying to prove his fundamental discovery that if a string has one end, it has another.
3. Finagle's constant may be characterized as changing the universe to fit the equation.
4. The bougerre factor is characterized as changing the equation to fit the universe. Named after Bougerre, a French professor of mathematics, the more common designation, due to language difficulty, is "buggers".
5. The diddle coefficient is characterized as changing things so that the equation and the universe appear to fit without requiring any change in either.
6. Dr. Finagle was, actually, a German by the name of Von Nagel who moved to Ireland where his associates misunderstood the pronunciation of his name.

An example of the usage of the Von Nagel (Finagle) factor is the introduction of the planet Uranus. Since Newtonian laws did not coincide with the observed universe, the planet was introduced into the universe to make the universe fit the equations. Much later the planet was observed.

(Hat-tip to Makarios)

Blogging on the Ride

I sponsored Jennifer Luu on the 2010 Soulforce Equality Ride, and have just heard that she's going to be blogging about the 2010 Ride at Advance Directive. Here's a sample:

If, as a member of an oppressed group, I take a stand against that oppression and decide that I will work against it, it doesn't make any sense to work only for my own personal interests. It doesn't make any sense for me to only fight for marriage equality when there are other queer people losing their jobs for being queer or killing themselves for being queer because THAT'S how much they hate themselves. (If you are unfamiliar with my usage of the word "queer," it goes like this: "queer" used to be a derogatory term aimed at LGBTQ people. It has since been liberatingly reclaimed by LGBTQ people to generally refer to that which is not heteronormative. The non-heteronormative part is why I like to use it-- it's shorter than LGBTQ and also rhymes with "cheer.") The people within my oppressed group that are more oppressed than I are more oppressed for reasons that inevitably have to do with issues of money/class and race. That is how I understand intersectionality. It's all connected. And it doesn't make any damn sense to forget about other oppressed peoples while I work my own way out of oppression because that doesn't do anything to end oppression-- it only ends MY oppression. It only moves oppression around-- shifts it from one group to another. Meanwhile, the dominant group stays dominant while the system they sit atop says, "suckeeeers!!!" And by forgetting and/or not recognizing the other oppressed, I become the oppressor. I'm not down with this. This is what "no one is free when others are oppressed" means to me. No one is better than anyone else.

Good stuff.

Quote of the Day

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
— Susan B. Anthony

Moons of Jupiter

January 7, 1610

• Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei first observed three of the eventual four Galilean moons through his telescope:Io, Europa, and Callisto.
  

Wow. Four hundred years ago today, Galileo got out his telescope and observed the moons of Jupiter. There are now known to be 63 of them. Imagine how it must have been, discovering these new things which would undermine the commonly accepted model of the solar system. Exciting but scary.

Stop whining and get on with it

Cat at Quaker Pagan Reflections has posted an absolutely brilliant rant (well, she says it's a rant, but it's actually very mild-mannered) asking Pagans who have left Christianity behind to stop moaning about it and start exploring their own spirituality, i.e. instead of talking about why they don't like Jesus, they should start talking about why they do like Odin, or Freyja, or Isis, or the Tao. If more than 50% of your blogposts involve moaning about Christianity or Jesus, then please read it.

I couldn't agree more. I shudder at the number of times I have had to sit through interminable rants about how dreadful Christianity is at pub moots, and the number of blogposts I have had to sift through that were whining about how all the ills of the world can be laid at Christianity's door, and how they stole the Pagan festivals, yada, yada, yada.

Yes, Christians can be bigoted bastards. And yes, the Inquisition was bad. But on the plus side of the balance sheet, there's charity and compassion (not uniquely the preserve of Christians, but they do walk their talk in that respect).

It could be because many Pagans have come from a fundamentalist Christian background. I sympathise, because I have been there. But moaning about it incessantly is not the answer. Go and get some really good therapy, deal with it, and move on.

But it's not just Christianity and Jesus that get the blame for all the ills of the world. Oh no - in fact it's monotheism that is the bad guy, according to some. Last year, during Pagan Values Month, there were a number of posts going on about how polytheism was inherently more tolerant than monotheism. I disagree - I have met tolerant monotheists and intolerant polytheists. It's taking things literally that is the source of narrow-mindedness, and fear is the source of bigotry.

Trinitarian theology is mostly exclusivist, because it maintains that Jesus is the only gateway to the Divine Source; but all other forms of monotheism are conducive to the view that polytheism and monotheism are different perspectives on the same reality. But even some Trinitarians see their theology as a metaphor for other theologies.

So, unless you have made some effort to study other religions' theologies in some depth, don't assume that the narrow-minded fundamentalist mindset you were brought up in is typical of the whole of Christian thought. Some of the best minds in Europe were devoted to theological musing for centuries, so it's actually quite subtle.

Unless you are aware that there are several different models of the atonement, plus Christus Victor theology, plus the Arian heresy, and you know what theosis, kenosis, coinherence and perichoresis are, when original sin was invented and by whom, and what the causes and implications of the Filioque controversy were - then don't think you are qualified to hold forth on what's wrong with Christian theology.

Secular bigotry

• National Secular Society's 'seasonal message'
• Ekklesia's excellent analysis of it
• Church Mouse blog: And a miserable Christmas to you too

What the National Secular Society doesn't seem to realise is that the rise of religiosity is very different from previous such resurgences, as it's much more about individual spirituality and building community and being compassionate than the bigotry which is actually increasingly the preserve of a noisy few. For example: Stonewall did a survey recently and found that most Christians were far more tolerant of gays and lesbians than the doctrines of their churches would suggest. Needless to say this received almost no coverage in the mainstream media, whereas Lilian Ladele etc got loads of coverage.

Research has shown that most people think in terms of "occult" concepts like reincarnation and karma, rather than traditional Christian ones like salvation. Much of the renewed interest in religion and spirituality has gone into non-Christian practices, and even Christians do stuff like yoga and meditation and crystals.

Critiques of the Alpha course

The Alpha Course is one of the most insidious phenomena of evangelism - and it's interesting to note that it has been criticised from inside Christianity as well, because there are still Christians out there with brains and integrity.

The theology propounded by the Alpha Course is not mainstream; it was developed by the same kind of people who 'discovered' the Toronto Blessing. It has been criticised by both evangelicals and liberals.

The course's homophobic stance has been widely criticised, and there is an analysis of it by the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association.

It's also deeply manipulative of vulnerable people, being run in prisons, workplaces, schools, colleges and military establishments:

"It was like to talking to a politician of the opposite persuasion. They were all very nice people, but I came out feeling exactly as I did when I went in," said Jill, who asked that her name be changed.

Among her problems with Alpha was her feeling that other faiths were not given equal status.

"I felt it was biased against other religions, whereas I believe all roads lead to one God," she said.

There was also an element of "therapy" about the style of the course, she said.

"It plays huge mind games with people. You have to be a strong personality to resist, but I did. They were working on me all the time. They said they would pray for me.

"I think they tend to prey on who is vulnerable. The whole thing for people is about being accepted and feeling like they belong.

"It's friendship I want, not spirituality."

It also uses sales techniques to manipulate people:

Debbie Herring, a former Alpha course leader in Sheffield, told the BBC that the techniques she was expected to use were similar to those of door-to-door salesmen.

“It became clear very early on that what Alpha was really about was high-pressure selling of a very narrow evangelical agenda, which dismisses and denies whole swathes of Christian teaching and tradition,” she said.

The course is also mis-sold as an opportunity to explore the meaning of life (which you would expect to offer a genuine philosophical discussion of the various ideas on offer):

It’s at that point you really see what the Alpha Course truly is: it’s not an invitation to explore the meaning of life, but a slickly marketed Christian conversion course. The objective of Alpha is not to educate people about Christianity, but to convert as many people as possible their particular brand of this religion.

The whole thing makes me sick, quite frankly.

Alpha Course is anti-gay

Pink News: More schools running 'anti-gay' Christian crash-courses

There should be no place in schools for proselytising for religion. A person's choice of religion or philosophy should be freely made as an adult, not forced on unsuspecting children. And there should be no place for homophobia in schools either.

Christianity is not inherently homophobic; same-sex marriage was once a Christian rite, and the "clobber verses" in the Bible have been deconstructed numerous times. So there's no excuse for including this poisonous homophobic nonsense in the Alpha Course. I am not particularly surprised that it's there, though, given that the Alpha Course also teaches young-earth creationism. It's all of a piece, really.

One good point about this: being taught this nonsense in school will make kids rebel against it. I recall when I was a teacher, the headmistress invited an evangelical band in to do an assembly, and the kids were rightly completely up in arms about it. I told them I completely agreed with them that it was wrong for them to have religion forced on them in this way.

2010 Equality Ride

Every day, thousands of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people suffer harassment, violence, and discrimination at the hands of those who do not understand them. This oppression usually hides in plain sight, masquerading as rigid doctrine or timeless tradition. Consequently, it often goes unchallenged and unchanged. Guided by principles of nonviolence, we at Soulforce Q approach these controversial issues with a readiness to meet people where they are. It is our belief that open and honest discussion begets understanding and healing, and that philosophy is at the heart of our work.

The Equality Ride is a traveling forum that gives young adults the chance to deconstruct injustice and the rhetoric that sustains it. It allows emerging young leaders to unite in the struggle for common equality. The idea is this. We get on a bus and journey to various institutions of higher learning. Through informal conversation and educational programming we explore concepts of diversity, comparing the effects of inclusive and exclusive viewpoints. More practically, we share and gain insights about how our beliefs influence policy and culture, thereby impacting society. Our goal is to carefully and collectively examine the intersection wherein faith meets gender and sexuality. Such discourse, especially when it affirms the beauty of our differences, plays an essential role in creating a safe learning and living environment for everyone.

Thus far, the Equality Ride has engaged nearly seventy academic communities. Many have shown considerable hospitality in welcoming us, and our legacy at those schools is one of mutual growth and compassionate fellowship. In addition to panels and schoolwide symposiums, we have joined students in cafeterias and coffee shops, participated in Bible studies and worship services, and given presentations in packed classrooms. Unfortunately, not every school chooses to host the Equality Ride. Voluntary redemptive suffering in the form of civil disobedience may become our avenue towards progress if, and only if, a school ignores the urgency and rejects dialogue.

A Movement in itself, the Equality Ride is empowering future generations to put their faith in action and make social justice a reality.

Donate to the Equality Ride

Interesting religions

A blog thing from Matt Stone, via Jarred, who tagged me.

what religions do you find most interesting apart from your own? Would you pick one of the major world religions? Say Islam, or Buddhism, or Hinduism or Judaism? Or would you pick something more obscure, like Wicca or Taosim or Rastafarianism or Gnosticism? Would you pick irreligion, say Atheism or Agnosticism? Or if you're not Christian, would you say Christianity?

To participate, state your own religion (or irreligion) as your first preference, state the other religions that interest you most as your second and third preferences, then pass onto five others. If you're feeling brave, say why they interest you.

OK, well, I practise two religions, Unitarianism (since 2007) and Wicca (since 1991), so presumably I can't have either of those on my list. I do this partly to remind me that all religions are metaphors for whatever is really going on (and this is made explicit in both Wiccan and Unitarian theologies). It is going to be quite difficult for me to pick three religions, as I find all religion fascinating, so I'm going to pick my favourites that appeal to me most at the moment.

I am fascinated by Taoism - I think the writings of Lao Tsu are the clearest expression of the mystery of life that has yet been formulated. Also, I like Taoism's positive attitude to life and the world (shared by both Wicca and Unitarianism).

I find Judaism really interesting - I love the rituals (though not the liturgy in many cases) and all the baroque twiddly bits. They also have great food, music and philosophy; they love life; and they cleverly integrate ritual and prayer into everyday life.

I'm currently really interested in spiritual and Christian atheism, as described by people like Richard Holloway, André de Comte-Sponville, and Andrew Brown. Holloway's books Doubts and Loves: What is left of Christianity, Godless Morality, and On Forgiveness are well worth a read.

Any mystical tradition that is based on a rational footing gets my vote, really: so Kabbalah, Sufism, the Quakers, Christian mystics and the Brahmo Samaj also interest me. And it's not a religion as such, but queer theology is really interesting. I also like religions with plenty of ritual and bells-and-smells (the only problem is that these often have elaborate theology to which I find it impossible to subscribe).

I disapprove of religions that think they have the only truth, or more truth than anyone else. Spiritual truths must be available to everyone everywhere in all times, and accessible by reason and intuition, not special revelation.

I tag Bo, Evn, Pax, D Miley, and James.

Sacrifice not required

From the Tanakh (Hebrew scriptures):

[22] Yea, though ye offer me burnt-offerings and your meal-offerings, I will not accept them; neither will I regard the peace-offerings of your fat beasts. [23] Take thou away from Me the noise of thy songs; and let Me not hear the melody of thy psalteries. [24] But let justice well up as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. ~ Amos 5:24

From the Wiccan tradition:

I am the Gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of joy unto the heart. Upon earth, I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal; and beyond death, I give peace, and freedom, and reunion with those who have gone before. Nor do I demand sacrifice, for behold I am the Mother of All Living, and my love is poured out upon the earth.
~ The Charge of the Goddess, Doreen Valiente

From the Hindu tradition:

Offer to Goddess Durga the animal, the Pashu, of your inner evil trait of passion, of anger, of greed. Do not kill animals of the external world in the name of Balidana to the Goddess.

She wants your animal-man within. No Himsa should be committed on the excuse that it is for the Devi. You have no right or justification to hurt any living creature for whatever reason.

Ahimsa should be free from all exemptions whether pertaining to class, place, time or circumstances. Ahimsa is a universal vow to be practiced absolutely. No worship, no prayer, no act whatsoever in life can justify injury or harm done to living beings.
~ Swami Sivananda

The Buddha was also against animal sacrifice.

Accidental death in ritual

So Houngan Hector has been cleared of criminal negligence and Lucie's death ruled accidental.

But the causes of death were identified as "the combined effects of 'physical exhaustion, ambient room temperature and an oxygen-depleted atmosphere'". So that's a failure of ritual health and safety, no less negligent than the behaviour of James Arthur Ray which caused the deaths of three sweat lodge participants.

I guess what happened to Lucie could have happened to anyone who uses a lot of incense and does rituals in a warm room with lots of dancing - but everyone needs to make sure that the members of their group do not suffer from any medical conditions which could be exacerbated by these environmental conditions. Even better, don't set up your ritual space so that it causes oxygen deprivation. Just use joss-sticks rather than pan incense, for one thing. And leave the door ajar, and make sure that anyone who has asthma knows where their inhaler is, and that other people also know where it is. And alternate dancing with other more restful activities like meditation.

More safety advice (essential reading for all ritualists):

NB none of the articles below were in response to the Houngan Hector incident

• thoughts from a threshold » The question of safety: planning and running an event
  Ritual safety from the point of view of the organiser.
• thoughts from a threshold » The question of safety
  Ritual safety from the participant's point of view.
• Guttershaman – The Authentic Shaman – Body and Soul, Sweat and Coin « Cat Vincent's Oddities and Mutterings