You can change

You know, some people become homophobic because of their upbringing. Perhaps they did not have the right parental role-modelling, so instead of turning into a normal balanced human being, they became homophobic.

Homophobia is a disease and requires our compassion and understanding. We should love the sinner and hate the sin. All you need to do is embrace diversity and you can be made whole.

Perhaps homophobes received insufficient nurture from their mothers, or guidance from their fathers, or did not have a positive LGBT role model in their lives.

God doesn't want you to be homophobic. She thinks homophobes are not part of Her divine plan for creation. In fact, God created everyone equal, and just wants you to have a fabulous time and be nice to people for a change. She created love in all its glorious forms so everyone could have a nice time - so quit kvetching and love thy neighbour!

Studies have shown that many homophobic people have experienced same-sex desire themselves, but are just not ready to admit it.

So there is a cure for homophobia.

Come out of the closet and be fabulous with the rest of us!

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Finagle's Laws

as formulated by Aron K Insinga

Law of experiment

· First law — if anything can go wrong with an experiment or test, it will.

· Second law — everything goes wrong at once.

· Third law — experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.

· Fourth law — build no mechanism simply if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.

· Fifth law — no matter how an experiment or test proceeds, someone will believe it happened according to his pet theory.

· Corollary one — no matter what the result is, someone will misinterpret it.

· Corollary two — no matter what results are anticipated, someone will be willing to fake them.

Law of mathematics

· First law — in any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors.

· Corollary one — no one whom you ask for help will see the errors.

· Corollary two — everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.

· Second law — if, in any problem, you find yourself doing a transfinite amount of work, the answer can be obtained by inspection.

· Corollary one — if inspection fails to yield results, judicious application of one of the methods outlined in the text following may be in order.

§ (See Finagle's Constant)

Law of systems

When a system becomes completely defined and all avenues of inquiry and expansion are explored, an uninformed, independent, amateur experimenter will discover something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Law of the inch

· In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday.

· Corollary one — under the same conditions. If any minor dimensions are given to ¹/₁₆ of an inch, -they cannot be totalled at all.

· Corollary two — the correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Laws of revision

· First law — information necessitating a change in design will be conveyed to the designer after, and only after, the plans are complete (often referred to as the now-they-tell-us law).

· Corollary one — in simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often easier to choose the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revisions.

· Second law — the more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more the plans will have to be redrawn.

· Third law — if, when completion of the design is imminent, field dimensions are supplied as they are, instead of as they were meant to be, it is always simpler to start over.

· Fourth law — it is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interference. If you have none, someone will supply some for you. (or first, second, and third above)

Law of understanding

· First law — if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

· Second law — if you don't understand the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

· Corollary one — if you have to ask the question. You won't understand the answer.

· Corollary two — if you understand the answer, you asked the wrong question.

· Third law — if you understand what you yourself are saying, invariably no one else will.

· Corollary one — if you understand what someone else is saying, you have probably grossly misinterpreted him.

· Fourth law — in any argument, the heat of the argument is inversely proportional to the amount of knowledge present.

Law of weather forecasting

· First law — whenever there is less than a 60 percent chance of rain, it will most definitely rain, and the rate of downpour will be inversely proportional to the square of the percent chance of rain.

· Second law — whenever there is greater than 44.8 percent chance of rain, it will rain and the rate of downpour will be directly proportional to the percent chance of rain.

· Corollary one — it will always rain in Delaware.

Law of bicycling

· First law — if you leave your bicycle outside over night, it will rain.

· Second law — if you ride your bicycle to class when the sun is shining and there are no clouds in the sky, when you ride your bicycle to your next class it will be pouring down.

· Corollary one — take a raincoat when you ride your bicycle. This will make you look like an idiot but it will also help to keep the rain away. In the event it does rain, you can wear your raincoat and laugh at everyone else who is getting wet. However, it is unwise to let them hear you because they will usually de-bike you.

· Third law — when you take your bicycle on a trip or away to school, the first week away from home you will experience an embarrassing problem called bike-have-um-flat

· Corollary one — if you didn't take a bicycle pump, and if you didn't take a tire repair kit, you will have a flat by the first day.

· Corollary two — if you didn't take one of the above items mentioned but took the other one, then you won't have a flat until the third day.

Editor's note — a reading of the Laws of Finagle as stated above will show that the compilation at this date is far from complete. Further research is needed, especially in the law of systems. Other work needs to be done to correlate Finagle's laws with the laws of the universal perversity of matter. Very little is actually known in this latter field, so in an attempt to at least begin systemization the known laws will be stated.

Laws of the universal perversity of matter

· First law — any mechanical or electrical device is most likely to fail the day after the manufacturer's guarantee has expired.

· Second law — any mechanical or electrical device is most likely to malfunction short of breakdown until the presence of any trained mechanic.

· Third law — matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

· Corollary one — if a mechanism is accidentally dropped, it will fall in such a way that maximum damage will occur.

· Corollary two — things fall at right angles.

Laws of computer programming

· First law — the computer is always right.

· Lemma one — programmers are occasionally right.

· Second law — the amount of time needed to debug a program is inversely proportional to the time allotted for debugging.

· Corollary one — programs never work right the first time unless there is virtually unlimited time left to complete the project.

· Third law — any programmer can find 90 percent of his bugs simply by explaining his program to any uninterested observer.

· Corollary one — the uninterested observer may be sleeping, dead, non-human, or in extreme cases, non-existent.

· Fourth law — the most difficult or nearly impossible programming problems appear obvious or extremely simple to anyone with little or no knowledge of programming.

· Corollary one — those problems most easily solved by a programmer, appear to be overwhelmingly complicated and marvellous to the layperson.

· Fifth law — computers are never more intelligent than their programmers.

· Corollary one — most computers are incredibly stupid.

· Lemma one — unfortunately abuse regarding the intelligence level of a computer is almost never associated with the party most deserving of the complaints, the computer programmer.

· Sixth law — the rarest bugs in any operating system or major programming effort will always show up during a demonstration of its use to prospective users or customers.

· Corollary one — these bugs usually cannot be reproduced and therefore cannot be located.

· Lemma one — customers will never purchase programs which appear to be riddled with bugs as verified by demonstrations.

· Paradox — most programs are unfit for sale.

To assist in the research suggested, the following rules have been formulated for the use of those new to this field.

Rules of experimental procedure

1. A record of data is useful. It indicates that you have been busy.
2. To study a subject, first understand it thoroughly.
3. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
4. Draw your curves, then plot your data.
5. Do not believe in luck, rely on it.
6. Always leave room when writing a report to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. (the rule of the way-out)

One of the more recent developments in the field of interpretation of

Experimental data, which expands the usefulness of the well known

Finagle constant and the subtle bougerre factor is the Diddle Coefficient. (These items are largely grouped, in mathematics, under

Constant variables or, as some workers prefer, variable constants)

The derivation of these useful concepts is as follows:

1. Finagle's Constant is used as a multiplier of the zero order term.
2. The main body of these laws was formulated during the time Finagle was trying to prove his fundamental discovery that if a string has one end, it has another.
3. Finagle's constant may be characterized as changing the universe to fit the equation.
4. The bougerre factor is characterized as changing the equation to fit the universe. Named after Bougerre, a French professor of mathematics, the more common designation, due to language difficulty, is "buggers".
5. The diddle coefficient is characterized as changing things so that the equation and the universe appear to fit without requiring any change in either.
6. Dr. Finagle was, actually, a German by the name of Von Nagel who moved to Ireland where his associates misunderstood the pronunciation of his name.

An example of the usage of the Von Nagel (Finagle) factor is the introduction of the planet Uranus. Since Newtonian laws did not coincide with the observed universe, the planet was introduced into the universe to make the universe fit the equations. Much later the planet was observed.

(Hat-tip to Makarios)

Dune kittehs

on the threshold

Sam: This is it.
Frodo: This is what?
Sam: If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.
Frodo: Come on, Sam. Remember what Bilbo used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Zen teachings

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Trouble is, neither of them work.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(received via email)

A Short History of Medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

(just received via email)

Thor's response

New experiments in fiction has posted a cartoon about a prayer to Thor. This is what happened next.

Your prayer has been placed in a queue and will be dealt with shortly.

[sound of Valkyries singing]

Your prayer is important to Asgard Inc. and will be dealt with as soon as possible.

[sound of Valkyries singing]

You are moving up the queue, also known as Bifrost, the Rainbow Bridge.

[sound of Valkyries singing]

All our deities are busy right now, but one will be available shortly to answer your prayer.

[sound of Valkyries singing]

You have asked for a specific deity. Your prayer will now be routed to your chosen deity.

[recorded message]
Hi, this is Thor, I'm out shagging and drinking right now - go fix your own problem, Heathenry is meant to be a religion for the self-reliant.

[listens to answerphone message]

You'll be good? What kind of namby-pamby Christian crap is that? Oh wait, mead? Meeeaaadd? Now you're talking! Oh wait, YOU'RE gonna quaff the mead? No, no, no and no. You give the mead to me, that's how it's supposed to work.

[glug, glug, glug]

Mmmm, mead. Now, what was your request? A car? No! I shall give you a chariot. Drawn by goats. And with knives on the wheels. Yarr!

A new tradition

A new tradition has arisen in deepest, darkest Bedfordshire: The Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. Who knew that you could mix Taize prayer with Beaker spirituality and tea-lights? They also have a festival of the nativity of Thomas Hardy, and one for Morrissey (which should both be adopted immediately by all Pagans).

They have a website and a blog. And articles of faith:

The Articles of the Beaker Faith

1. Anything that can be reasonably conjectured when it comes to the original Beaker Folk, and not disproved, can be assumed to be true and therefore a genuine Beaker tradition.
2. Anything we don’t understand about previous generations was probably concerned with fertility rituals. Any object we don’t understand had symbolic meaning. Even if it could just have been a ritual back-scratcher.
3. The more inclusive you are, the less you have to worry.
4. There’s no spiritual power in the universe greater than wishful thinking.
5. All contributions to the Community are strictly optional. But don’t think that means you can get away without paying them.
6. Don’t jump and down on Thin Places in steel toe-capped boots. They’re liable to break.
7. Tea lights are nice.
8. Don’t ask the Archdruid about what she puts in her pipe, or why she needs such regular deliveries of hydroponic supplies. Or why the snow never settles on the roof of the Great House.
9. If it feels good, it’s probably fine.
10. Hi-viz is good for your physical safety and your eternal soul. We don’t just wear it because the Archdruid bought a job-lot of personal protective equipment in her old job as a Health and Safety advisor.
11. Whenever referring to "Celtic" Christianity or the "Celtic" tradition, we will always put the word "Celtic" in inverted commas, to indicate that it is no such thing. We’re still considering putting the word "tradition" in inverted commas also.
12. Never attempt astral projection without a safety belt and hard hat.
13. Avoid ever trying to understand what Beaker People mean by "the divine". Once we start to try and understand "the divine" it might in return make some demands on us. Keep your tea lights alight and your theology vague.
14. All religions contain at least grains of truth. But some religions are more profitable than others.

Hat-tip to Notes from Underground

Reviews

A series of amusing Bible reviews (reproduced here in case Amazon remove them or something):

Lots of plot holes, but mildly interesting bit of semi-historical fiction, May 1, 2009
By Joshua N. Petersen

This book stars a weird sociopathic anti-social bipolar hermaphroditic superbeing with an intense hatred of foreskins. (He's loving one minute, killing everyone the next, loving again, then killing again, never shows his face, creates stuff apparantly for the express purpose of destroying it, and beats up constantly on his 'chosen' people... whom it never says what he chose them for, and has all these 'songs' in them where they admire his bosoms -aka breasts-) I mean, that's definitely an original character, but feels like it'd make a better villian or foil than the main character.

Also, feels like the authors needed to collaborate more. I mean, the "Matthew", "Mark", "Luke", and "John" sections repeated the same story over again, but re-ordered the same parts. In one, a group of events may take a week, and in another, it make take over a month. On top of it all, breaking everything into miniature sized 'chapters' (more like pages) and then sub-dividing further into verses, really breaks up the reading and makes it hard to get through an entire short story (called 'books) in one sitting.

Setting the book in past historical settings was interesting, but at some places the authors obviously didn't do their research. One example being that crazy Jonah story (what's with the giant fish, giant vine, and giant worm?). The mentioned king didn't rule over Ninevah, they're separated by hundreds of years!

I did like the hippy-character though. Jesus was alright, at least until the book of Revelation kind of ruined it and that Paul guy began teaching against everything Jesus taught while pretending to be on the same side.

Although the line in Titus 1:12 (supposedly made by someone writing to convey knowledge of an infallible God) "It was one of them, their very own prophet who said, `Cretans are always liars, vicious brutes, lazy gluttons.'" Okay... logical problem here. "Cretans are always liars" and a CRETAN prophet says, "Cretans are always liers" Now would could assume the Cretan was lying about ALWAYS lying, but the author follows, saying, "This testimony is true". It's a logical impossibility! The only solution is that the author himself is lying, and if you can't trust the narrator in a book, who can you trust?

For reasons of weird under-developed main characters, logical fallacies and impossibilities, historical inaccuracies in historical fiction, inconsistent and repeating timelines, and creepy forskin obsessions, I need to give this 1 star.

Although I still stand by that I like the hippy, too bad so many of the 'followers' screw up his teachings. I mean, he says the most important thing is to love people, and then his followers say the most important thing is to worship him... kinda loopy.

However, psychiatrists will probably have a hayday analyzing this thing!

Don't Leave It Lying Around the House, October 23, 2008
By Carl Wong (Van Nuys, CA USA)

This book should never be left where it could fall into the hands of children. Recurrent themes of bloody violence, murder, racism, incest and rape are dealt with extremely irresponsibly. Horrific events are presented as justified by circumstances and as solutions to petty wrongs.

Worse than the depictions in the book are actual historic examples of such depictions being used to justify the worst kind of degradation and humiliation that humans have ever been forced to endure. These acts are not just inspired by this book, but characters in the book urge its readers to follow its example. Worst of all, however, is that, despite this book's obvious lack of coherent logic or sense, it inexplicably possesses a following of people that somehow find comfort in its horror.

No doubt about it, the horrific images, and lack of intelligent discussion of those images, contained in this book makes it entirely unsuitable for children, or sensible adults.

It is very doubtful that a book that meanders so terribly, and contradicts itself so often, is truly inspired by a deity. What you will read in here can be found in other mythologies. There is nothing truly unique about it.

Upon close scrutiny, we discover that the content of Bible is a compilation of historically and archaeologically unsupportable Myths such as Noah's ark, Abraham, Joseph, David, Solomon, etc.

Had Promise, But Squandered It, February 11, 2009
By Mark Twain

The Lucifer character seemed like a nice enough guy. Refused to bow down to unjust authority, etc. Was pretty much a George Washington / King Leonidas type. For some reason they chose to focus on the Yahweh character however. He was a pretty big jerk, always commanding people to be killed and raped and whatever. Didn't really understand the part where the guy offered his daughters up to be raped. Come to think of it, way to much rape in this book. Anyways, it was cool when the bear ate the children for making fun of that guy, but the scene was not nearly long enough. Also, didn't quite understand how the author got away with so much plagiarism from Egyptian and Sumerian books, but whatevs. Liked the part where he said not to eat seafood. Its nice to see he also had a bad Red Lobster experience. Would recommend the author try Joe's Crab Shack. It's divine.

(spotted by Christina)

404 explanations

Why your page wouldn't load according to various religions and denominations (read carefully as it initially looks like a normal 404 page). I especially liked this one:

Unitarian explanation: All links are equal, so if this link doesn't work for you, feel free to experiment with other links that might bring you joy and fulfillment.

To which could be added various Pagan explanations:

• Fluffy bunny: the fairies ate it
• Animist: You must be at one with the link before it will reveal itself
• Heathen: Sorry, we offered it to the wights as a libation
• Wiccan: Sorry you can't see it because it's a third-degree secret
  

Dune kitteh sez...

The spice must flow:

The Dog Delusion

Oh hai! I buhlieved in goggies befaw I read this book. Now I iz nawt so shure...

Hat-tip to Monkey Mind

great comic moments

Not the Nine O'Clock News - Songs of Praise

"Last week, which was Harvest Festival, there was myself, the verger, and a can of baked beans - but this week we're on the telly, so I see the church is full..."

Not the Nine O'Clock News - Monty Python worshippers

"Where two or three are gathered together, there shall they recite the parrot sketch"

(here's the background to this one for those unfamiliar with what it is sending up)

Not The Nine O'Clock News - Gerald the gorilla

"He bloody does eat daffodils"

The Apostles' Creed (Not the Nine O'Clock News)

I believe in flying saucers, the Loch Ness monster....

Gay Christian

"God just wants you to have a rotten life" - a wonderful send-up of the tortuous logic of trying to reconcile fundamentalist attitudes with LGBT sexuality

Coldharbour Plain

Guest post by Stellar Diggins: A tale of country folk in old Wiltshire....

CHAPTER TWO

Pomona Poste came down to breakfast a little after nine to find the farmhouse utterly deserted, save for a muttering from behind Aunt Awenna Threefold's bedroom door, which she had never so far seen opened. It sounded like: "I saw somethin' NARSTY inna Museum...".  Making her way downstairs to the kitchen, she replaced the kettle on the Aga and made a pot of her precious recaffeinated coffee she had thought to bring with her.

Not liking the look of anything in the cupboards, Pomona was idly flicking through her copy of British Archaeology and waiting for her coffee to cool, when the door banged open and Amairghin Starkadder stomped in and sat down heavily, glaring at her across the table.  Pomona affected not to notice.

A silence ensued, as of the brooding tension between the waiting, round-bellied earth and the burgeoning, ballooning thunderclouded sky in the heat of late harvesting.

"I ha' scranletted a' the way down from Cursus Acre up to Barrowight Hill," said Amairghin Starkadder eventually.  

"Did you, really?" Pomona exclaimed, wondering what on earth scranletting was.

A longer silence followed, broken only by Amairghin munching his way through a bowl of ayurvedic museli.

Pomona sipped her coffee, and perused an article on a neolithic burial of someone who had been shot full of arrows who they were calling The Boscombe Bowman. Finally Amairghin pushed the bowl away from him for Ash Mistcalf the hired man, to 'cletter', as they called it, and began to roll a spliff.

"Ar." He said, affirmatively. Then, after a pause: "Could you a' done that?"

Pomona looked up from her article. "No, Cousin Amairghin, I'm sure I couldn't - and I wouldn't want to, anyway."

'Ar". Amairghin snorted. "I 'spec' you wouldn't, neither. Rather get a site supervisor in, I reckon you would, from Wessex Archaeology, an' a whole team o' diggers. Or maybe they Time Team fellers an' camera crews, an' suchlike."

Amairghin shuddered, then lit up. Then he resumed:

"Hear me, Cousin Pomona - I ha' nursed this sacred landscape like a sick mommet, man an' boy, these thirty year or more. Many's the round barrow I ha' scranletted over, an' many's the Bronze Age burial urn I've re-cremated." He blew a long cloud of green smoke across the table, as if to illustrate.

Pomona did her best to dissemble her mounting sense of horror. These Wiltshire Starkadders were even worse, more backward and ignorant, than her other cousins the Sussex Starkadders that Great Aunt Flora had told her about, before she had reformed them all with what she called The Higher Common Sense. Here they were, scranletting - was that a metal detector by the door, next to Cousin Amairghin's
wellingtons? - prehistoric artefacts on Coldharbour Plain, and - well - destroying them!

"Haven't you heard of The Portable Antiquities Scheme?" Pomona asked. 

Amairghin's eyes narrowed. "Oh, ar. We don' 'ave nuthin' to do with he. Bronze Age bones is for re-cremation, to send 'un back to uns rest, an' their jewellery - well - 'tes ours, ain't it?"

"Yours?!" Pomona declined the spliff Amairghin held out to her, with a wave of her hand. "Don't you think they belong to everybody?"

"Nah. Course not. They'm our ancestors, up Barrowight Hill, look.  They's always been Starkadders on Coldharbour Plain. So the gold torcs and amber beads an' copper alloy bracelets, is our heirlooms. Nobody else's. Not for folk to gawk at in no museum. 'Twould be flyin' in the face o' the ancestors. 'Tes disrespectful.

Amarirghin's brow furrowed in thought as he took another toke. "See here, Cousin Pomona. You'm Robyn Poste's child. You wouldn' sift her ashes out o' the bed o' the River Awen an' put 'em in a peepshow, would you? But you wears her old pentacle. No. 'Tes disrespectful, to do anythin' diff'rent. Jewellery belongs in the family."

Pomona forced a cheery smile at her eldest cousin. "Well, Cousin Amairghin, I certainly don't want your portable antiquities, and I'm not qualified to say how you should farm your land -"

"- sacred landscape," Amairghin interrupted.

"- how to look after your sacred landscape, but just think - if Uncle Dagda were to - go off on a long lecture tour - a very long, international lecture tour - about Honouring The Ancestral Dead, don't you see - the Sarsen Grove round the farm would be yours to - er - scranlett - as much as you liked. In Uncle Dagda's absence, there needn't be another Hereditary Chief Archdruid of Wiltshire."

Amairghin's eyes blazed and his saturnine face split open in a wide, toothy grin. He lurched forward, and seized Pomona's hand. "By the Goddess, Cousin Pomona, I misjudged yer! Would you - could you - talk to the old man about it? He'd never listen to me, but you -" and his voice tailed off as he sat back, drew a long lungful of weed and slowly exhaled, his ruddy countenance beaming like a child's as he
reflected on the possibilities of Pomona's suggestion.

"I'll go and talk to him this minute if you like, said Pomona. "Where would he be this morning?"

"Away with the Quivering Aspen Grove over at Herne Abbot's, picketing they television fashionistas who be feminizing the Long Giant for a wimmin's underwear documentary."

"I'll take the Range Rover, then," said Pomona over her shoulder as she made for the door. "And by the way, Amairghin - a struggling British farmer on an SMR-listed site can make a lot of money out of portable antiquities. More than the Ministry of Defence pays you for scranletting up unexploded bombs. And much more than DEFRA pay you for not immunising your cows against bovine TB. You might even be able to afford to grow some food. "

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Readers wishing to know about the adventures of Flora Poste among the Starkadders of Sussex might want to read the very great Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons, of which I and the author of the above are both devoted fans.

religions as software

Christianity is like Microsoft:

• It's a large corporate venture, bent on world domination
• Once you've installed it on your hard drive, it's really difficult to get rid of it
• Nearly everyone's got it (and they use it in schools), so it has become the default option
  
• It is incompatible with other software
• It takes up a lot of space on your hard drive
  
• It fails to conform to international standards
• But the user interface is attractive and the support is 24/7

Paganism is like Linux:

• It's dead set against Microsoft
• It's small and developed by a dedicated community of geeks
• It comes from Northern Europe
• The support arrangements are a bit patchy
• It's eclectic and has lots of shareware

Reconstructionism is like programming via the command line:

• It's bloody hard work and you can only do one thing at a time
  
• Heathenry - "the religion with homework" - 'nuff said.
  

Satanism is like a computer virus:

• It's parasitic upon Microsoft and exploits its vulnerabilities
• People blame it on the Linux geeks but it's actually done by spotty teenagers with no social life
• Naive Microsoft users are always claiming there's more of it about than there actually is (there are only about 100 actual Satanists in the UK)

Google is like an insidious cult:

• It appeared from nowhere and everyone thought it was peace-loving and non-corporate and cool
  
• Now it is trying to take over the world by stealth
• It started with the motto "Don't be evil" but then got into bed with a totalitarian regime
  

The New Age is like Facebook:

• Light, bright and has lots of shiny gizmos
• Uses social networking to connect people

Quakers (Friends) and Unitarians are like Apple Mac:

• Generally owned by intellectuals and arty types; not corporate
• Adheres to international standards
  
• Great user interface; universally agreed to be cool
  
• But hardly anyone actually owns one

Wicca is like Firefox:

• Wicca discovered the Divine Feminine way before Christianity, and now they're stealing our clothes (so everyone will think they discovered Her) - Firefox invented tabbed browsing way before Microsoft, and now Microsoft have finally adopted it, and everyone will think they invented it
• Both Wicca and Firefox have a great logo
• Both adopted by a small community of dedicated users

New Atheists are like teenage computer hackers - they have no clue about what they're trying to hack into or how it works, but they like to create a virus or two (sorry, meme...)

(By Yewtree. If you pass this on to anyone else, please link back here).

See also: Religions as ex-girlfriends by Al Billings

the secret name of FSM

It has been revealed to me that in actual fact this universe was created on an otherwise quiet Thursday afternoon at around tea-time by one Zgwrr Xchg'h'yuj, a bored graduate student who turned on the proton collider experiment in our parent universe. The by-product of the proton collision was a baby universe, which growed and growed to become the one we know, love, and live in.

So both the New Atheists and the religious theories of creation and emanation are wrong. Pastafarianism is partly correct, because Zgwrr Xchg'h'yuj in fact looked very much like His Noodliness.

the original stroppy rabbit

A painting seen in a shop window in York:

(if it's not the actual picture after which I named this blog, then it's by the same artist)

So be it ardane...

ROFLMAO! This version of the Craft Laws (which were in any case made up by Gerald Gardner one Tuesday afternoon when his coveners started questioning what he said) is very very funny.

I particularly like number 33:

It hath been found that two people sitting around with a bottle of Chianti discussing Atlantean Grandmothers will become fond of each other, if only because of the Stockholm Syndrome. Therefore, let it be resolved that a human being shall be taught in the Craft only by another human being, and screw the middle-class morality of the 1950's.

I've always felt that the so-called Craft Laws were a pile of foetid dingos' kidneys. Sorry Gerald, but what were you thinking? And as for claiming that they were ancient.... oh please, gods give me strength.

Personally I think that rules (in the sense of guidelines which are emergent from the context and agreed upon by all members of a group) are a good idea, in order to prevent one ego dominating all the others; but it seems that the rules invented by Gerald would have exactly the opposite effect, so it is excellent that someone has parodied them so mercilessly.

Which Cat do you believe in?

To put it another way, Pagans don't believe in Ceiling Cat or Basement Cat.

We believe in (well, hypothesise the existence of) Floor Cat (the divine, or deities, being immanent in the universe - spirits of place, etc).

more cat pictures